F*** my love life! Why it sucks! --->

9/26/2016

So to get this awkward ball of information rolling, I'm
going to start with the elephant in the room...I'm
a virgin. My love life (or lack thereof) has sucked ass.
And the loves I have felt, have been extremely complicated.
There are many reasons I am the way I am, and a lot of it has
to do with my upbringing. So to explain myself, it requires
me to go into my life story (I know, I know, but bear with me).



My upbringing was not as terrible as some people have it,
but it was certainly complicated. My parents were two completely
different people when they met. My dad was from Delphos,
OH, and my Mom from Lima, OH. Both cities small, Delphos
is widely known for its drunks. It was a semi ghetto type
of city. I guess you might say "white ghetto"
My mom, however, was raised a Christian. When they met,
fell in love, yada yada, my dad changed himself a lot to adapt
to my mom’s lifestyle. Growing up, me and my older sister
were raised in a Christian environment. But the thing you
need to understand about that environment is this wasn't
your casual Christian environment. No, it was one of those
"Women who cut their hair are cutting their connection
with God", "Women only wear dresses",
"Men are all clean cut", "Rock music is
of the devil", "abstain from the outside world",
"the end is coming", Paranoia filled churches.
I would classify it as borderline cult like (not the multiple
wife Netflix doc type, but still, cult-like).The type
of paranoia this church instilled in you was insane. When
you are an adult, who knowingly joins one of these types
of churches, that is one thing, but to be raised in it, and
for it to be all you know. That’s a whole other problem.
So my life was fairly sheltered. I didn't grow up with
challenges, or with a backbone for that matter. I went to
a private school involved with the church growing up.


When I was 11, my mom and dad went through an ugly divorce.
My mom had done something unforgivable, and my dad was unable
to handle it. They tried to work things out with a counselor
in the church, and one of the deacons had a big mouth, and
spread word, and my parents started to receive cold shoulders
from everyone who had claimed to be their friends. My mom
basically moved out of town with another guy, and my dad
worked a lot, so we(me, my older sister, and my youngest
brother) spent a lot of time at my aunt’s house. The problem
with being raised in the religion I was raised in, was that
all I ever knew, about what marriage should be, and what
I thought to be right and wrong, was breaking down, right
in front of me. My mom had moved back into town, and had entered
a relationship with a guy, who she would be with for 5 years
(I'll get to that in a moment). This guy was a real asshole.
He wasn't physically violent. But he was verbally
abusive, and intimidated you at any chance possible. He
was the exact opposite of what I believed a man should be
to a household. So after she had moved back into town, there
were still fumes between her and my dad. So my dad, understandably,
began traveling for his job. He would be contracted to different
hospitals across the states for a large chunk of time (half
a year, to two years at most.) So we lived with my mom, and
said asshole.


After the events of my parents ugly split, and the overbearing
asshole, and the changes to my life, I went into a big, silent,
depression. I had gone back and forth between the private
school, and public schools. Because of the sheltered upbringing,
public schools became too much for me to handle, and my grades
slipped away....badly! Like, low 40's bad. Not because
I didn't have the intelligence, or the ability, but
because I didn't care. I let my hygiene go, and I let
my grades drop. The only solution was to go back to private
school, where teachers could focus more on me individually.
However, it didn't help much.


There was one girl at the school, who I really liked. Her
name was Ariel, and I felt so strongly about her, as I had
had 1 small crush at a previous public school, but I really
liked her. I was about 13, and I tried my best to gain her affection,
to no avail. Regardless, the private school wouldn't
condone a relationship that young anyway (yea, they had
their say about anything they could) Regardless, I don't
think she would've known what to think either. The
feelings I had for her, would continue for several years
to come.


At home, a lot of the feelings, of anger, confusion, and
sadness I had been burying were getting to me. I would lash
out when me and my siblings had arguments. I became so agitated
with my brother. This agitation would later get worse and
worse, until I felt feelings of hatred for him. Springing
back to my mom's relationship, she and said asshole,
had a (my half-brother) and were seemingly coasting
through the relationship. Something about said asshole,
you need to know, is that he served(we later came to find
he was AWO He had a lot of issues, and when I was 15, During
an argument me and my brother had, he lost his shit, and he
grabbed a gun, and was lividly threatening to shoot my brother.
That was a big turning point in my life, as he left my mom,
"supposedly" to seek help (BS). My mom, who
regardless of how much of an asshole he was, loved him anyway.
She went into her own gigantic depression (which is where
I get some of my issues, as my mom's side has a lot of depression.)
Through therapy, she was put on a lot of medication. She
was always in a rut, and laid and slept on the couch. This
was out family low. A father out of the states, a deadbeat
stepfather, who had bolted after a violent outburst, a
depressed mother, and me, and my older sister, dealing
with the collateral. Me and my older sister took care of
a lot of the things around the house. We essentially became
the parents of my two brothers. However, me and my sister
would be at each other’s throats a lot. I don't think
I truly understood how much she had to deal with, and she
also never truly understood, that regardless of me being
her little brother, with only 1 and a half year difference
between us, how much I had to deal with. So it was like two
people with the same goal, thinking the other is interfering.



I had reached a low. I had many violent thoughts, self-harming
thoughts. Never the dramatic cut myself type of bullshit.
No, I wanted to end it with a gun or a rope! I had no one to talk
to. I had never really had any friends, the church had turned
its hypocritical back on us, my Dad was out of state, and
my mom was either completely doped out on medicine, or hysterical
and in a mood to argue. I had nothing! No ambition, no motivation,
failing grades, so much so that I had to repeat my Junior
year, I wanted to drop out, I had a broken outlook on life,
I had no one who had ever loved me in a romantic way, I hated
my siblings, and I would cry out for Gods help, but nothing!
I wanted to end myself.


I spent a lot of my time watching a show on the CW, trying to
be bide my time to not deal with the shit going on in-house.
And I came across a show called "Supernatural".
I didn't know it when I started the show, but this show
saved my life! It spoke to me, when nothing else did. It taught
me to fight, not for religion, not for evil, but for family.
I related to it on so many levels! Whether it was about religion,
evil, finding a balance in life, fighting when you have
no hope, or about family, I felt it on so many emotional levels.
It made me want to live. I t mad e me want something better
out of my life! It made me want to fight!


I continued to take care of my brothers at home, as my sister
had moved out of home with her boyfriend at the time. I had
visited my dad in Arizona, where he was at the time, and after
a lot of discussion, I finally felt I was ready for public
school. I left the private school that had been weighing
down any sort of moving on in my life. I had actually been
trying to grow my hair out, and every time it got beyond their
standards, they made me cut it. So the long hair I have now,
I have been keeping long, since 2010, when I left the private
school. I attended a trade school, which focused on careers, and
I joined a class for computer app programing. This was my
first real attempt at fitting in in a public school. As it
was a trade school, it had students from several local high
schools, and it was relatively tame compared to other schools,
so it was fairly easy to adjust. However, I was 17 at the time,
and it was as if through all the shit in my life, I had already
missed out on so much socially. I found that regardless
of whether I was able to make friends, I was socially LOST!
I never hung out with any of them outside of school(except
for one good friend on a RARE occasion), and I never spoke
to any of the girls I found myself attracted to, as I just
had no idea what I had to offer. Regardless of how much change
I had made to myself, whether it be the way I dressed, the
way I acted, the music I listened to, I was still an outsider.
While my upbringing had largely done that to me, I also made
myself an outsider by not putting myself out there, as I
had no idea where to start. I was still spending a lot of time
at home taking care of the house. My mom still had her issues,
and she and I were basically fighting on a regular basis.
I had become the man of the house, and as I felt the weight
of it all, I started to crack. I became an asshole! I belittled
my brother, and used what I now understand to be negative
conditioning on my youngest brother, It wasn’t great
parenting, but it was the only parenting going on. I argued
and fought with my mother, and I was always angry.


Another show which helped me adapt to what my life had become
was "Sons of Anarchy". I related to the part
of my life, which was filled with anger. The show dealt with
a character that had a cruel and malevolent step-father.
He took his place, and under the weight of all the damage
he had to deal with, and deal out, he became the one he hated....that
was what I felt. What my mom had done, my dad being absent(though
still in contact and financially supportive, and occasionally
emotionally supportive) and the overall weight of the
responsibility I carried at home...it made me an asshole!
Though my mom reassures me I was never as bad as he was, and
while I do believe that myself...there was so much self-hatred
I had brewing on the inside. I hated him so much, and I hated
myself for becoming him. My two shows were really the only
things keeping me together. They allowed me to make sense
of everything that was happening. I continued to fight,
regardless of not knowing why I was fighting to begin with.



With all I was dealing with at home, I had no ability whatsoever
to make a social life. My views of love were so destroyed
by everything that I had been taught growing up, and by what
I felt. I had no interest in just having sex. I wanted something
deep, something real, someone to love, and I just didn't
love anyone around me. I had no ability, or time, or motivation
to create that kind of connection with someone.


It had come near the end of my senior year; I realized I had
no idea what I wanted from life. Where was I going in life,
whether I was even capable? While my grades were not as bad
as they used to be, they were nothing to be proud of. I was
watching a behind the scenes video of Supernatural, which
covered Visual Effects, and as I watched, I found myself
so intrigued by what they were able to create, I found myself
wanting to do that! I had decided...that was what I wanted
to do with my life. Not long before graduating (barely through summer school
with a 1.8 GPA), I had gotten a job catering, for a temp agency,
and after taking a summer off for a break, got a job at a local
restaurant doing catering. It was a crappy, old, disgusting
place, but it was money. I was paying 500 a month to my mom,
on a minimum wage job, working almost 40 hours a week and
I found myself in this solitary rut...and I realized...I
was going NOWHERE!


Through counseling, me and my mom had been working on our
issues, but there was still fighting. She had been working
on herself, trying to get active in home, but it was difficult.
She wasn't always tending to what needed to be done,
and I would get angry when the fallout would come down on
me, so I just chose to ignore her desire to become a more active
parent, and continued to try and to parent the myself.
We butted heads over the issues, and while we mostly resolved
what needed to be done, my mom still made tons of mistakes.
She had a boyfriend at the time that we fought over. She had
been financially supporting him, while we were struggling
at home, being supported by others. She had given him lots
of money, and it was all for nothing as they broke up. We had
our bouts over these issues, and sometimes things got ugly.
The moment when I knew things needed to change, was when
we had argued to a point, where she hit and, and I swung back,
a lot harder, and a lot angrier. Albeit she had been wrong
in hitting me, that mistake haunts me. I had become something
I hated, and we both knew change needed to happen! My dad
was living in Florida at the time, and he offered that I move
in with him, as well as my younger brother, and seek a college
education. My mom and I agreed it was best, but I still had
my fears about what would happen when I left. My mom was unstable
still, and I was worried things would fall apart, and that
she would lose it, and that my youngest brother would be
vulnerable in life. I had been the parent for so long, I had
difficulty letting go of the job! My mom and I still had our
arguments, but with a lot of truthful openness, about my
concerns, and what she needed to do with herself, we came
to an understanding before I moved down here to Florida.



Getting the ball rolling was slow going. I got a job, after
a summer to relax, without home issues, and it was almost
a year after I got the job, I finally enrolled at the Art Institute
of Tampa, as a Visual Effects Major. MY 1.8 GPA almost prevented
me from doing such, but they allowed me. It has definitely
been a struggle, and an adaption. School was not my focus
for a long time, so to get back in the saddle of a student has
been difficult. I've managed so far.


I had gotten a low end car, but a nice one albeit (2001 Monte
Carlo SS), I was in a nice college, a nicer home than in lima,
I wasn’t arguing with someone on a regular basis, and
I felt like I was finally getting somewhere.... THEN ROMANTIC DRAMA!


So on an episode of Supernatural, there was a girl, an actress
(I won't name names), who had a rather funny role. Long
story short, her character took the main characters car
for a joyride! It was funny, and she was extremely beautiful.
I managed to come across her twitter, and I started to flirt
with her. I have always found online interactions easier
than in person. Initially, she would just like my tweets,
and never respond. But I was determined, I kept trying,
I found her Instagram and liked some of her pictures. I even
made a graphic design of her, which she retweeted...but
I was starting to believe she only liked my tweets out of
pity...


Then one day I come into school, I hop on a computer, open
twitter and...HUH! I have a message! I open it up, and it’s
from her! "You never comment on my Instagram photos... Only
like Did you not like the recent one?" (Mind you,
said picture was a headshot of her, wet in a shower) I proceed to reassure her that I loved it, and added a bit
of humor to my response. She replies with an aww! Later I
find she has deleted the picture, and I ask her why. She says
she thinks she looked bad in it, and not enough people liked
it (over 1, 000 liked it). I reassure her of how beautiful
she is, and I continue to try to flirt with her. I mentioned
how I liked her Facebook picture but I could no comment as
her privacy settings did not allow non friends, and also
her add friend button was hidden. She proceeds to add me
on Facebook, and I messaged her asking if she felt something
was here. She soon after replies "I have a bf"
As I am the way I am, I felt heartbroken, but sent an apology
for flirting and let it be.


But it wasn't enough...I couldn’t stop thinking
about her. I messaged her a romantic notion of how I couldn't
stop thinking of her. She responds saying she is seeing
someone, remember? I tell her I just had to say it, and she
replies with an aww....and proceeds to ask what I thought
of her new picture on Instagram! I tell her I love it, and she replies that no one liked it(it
had over 1, 000 likes) and that "no one likes pictures
that aren't sexy" I continue to assure her that
it is a perfect picture, and jokingly say that if she deletes
it, I'll haunt her. She responds saying she only keeps pictures I write funny
comments on! So the notion I've gotten at this point is she must not
have a boyfriend, because that is the most overused rejection
line ever! But what is her game then. She must be playing
hard to get! I proceed to try and flirt with her.


At one point she tweets about an ex verbally messaging her
mean things. I try to appeal to her, saying how wrong he is,
and that she deserves better. She says not to worry, and
when I say but I am worried, she replies angrily "Goodnight!!"
I continue to try to appeal to her, and I get a couple responses,
some negative, some positive, but at this point she's
ignoring me. After enough attempts she says she has no feelings
for me, and to not bring it up again! I said "right then"
as she says "huh?" and I respond with a "sorry
I misunderstood is all I'm saying" A day later, I get a message...."no worries!!"....
WTF! So assuming maybe she meant that message for someone else,
I send a question mark. She sends a screencap of the last
couple messages, to which I reply, "Yea, I know, It’s
just a random reply a whole day later is all I was curious
about " She gets angry and tells me she just won’t respond next
time, and to have a good one" I apologize for being rude about it, and she says she’s
sorry if she gave me the wrong idea, but she's just a
"nice girl" is all! We come to an understanding of being just friends....and
not even a couple hours later, she asks me about another
picture and to "Be honest, yay or nay?" I jokingly say "Nay...just fucking with you, yay!"
She seems upset and asks me to be honest to which I reply seriously,
YAY! A day later she asked me about a picture which wasn’t of
her, but was a BTS shot of the day she was on the show! She sends
a concerned emoji when I say I like it, and when I ask why,
she says no one else likes it. I tell her "Who cares
I say to hell with the haters.....repeat after me "I do whatever the fuck I want"" To which she replies, "I wish I could, but I ca can't."
I tell her to keep the pic, and she replies "LOL I need
a backbone" I reassure her she has one, she just needs
to find it


It’s almost Christmas by this time, and she has posted
something indicating she hasn't slept in a while,
and the day has been the worst day in her life. I try to comfort
her, and she ignores it. When I message her about one of her
posts, she responds thanks, but she prefers that I only
comment on her pics. I respond ok, and about Christmas time,
I send her a message saying "Merry Christmas"....minutes
later I'm unfriended....


I message her on twitter apologizing, and she claims messages
are only for people in her life, and to have a good one! I proceed
to try to get her attention, and wind up getting blocked
on Twitter and IG. But not Facebook...I give it a couple
weeks, and it’s the day of her birthday. I send her a message
on FB saying I'm sorry, and I even made her a new graphic
design of her, as an apology. She unblocks me, and I attempt
to take things slowly. I'm still unsure of whether
there was ever a boyfriend or not, so I take it easy with friendly
tweets, which she likes. A month or so later, she makes a post about being single on
valentines, and in an attempt to outdo all the guys hitting
on her in the comments, I message her saying I know she doesn't
have feelings for me, but I really want a shot, and send her
a graphic design of a flower! She reads it but no response....I
continue to try her snapchat, her Facebook, and her twitter,
to which she reads literally every message I send, but does
not respond. She finally gets fed up, and blocks me again!
But now my Facebook messages are stuck on sent, and never
deliver! I now have no way to contact her, and can only like
her Facebook pictures. I found myself retrospecting over
how obsessed I became, and how she made me obsessed...I
keep thinking of how she led me on...and I still haven't
completely let go. I actually made a blank snapchat, and
watch her snaps. As pathetic as that sounds, I even sent
discreet chats, mostly just questions, as this unknown
person. I try not to, but I can't seem to let go...I try
to flirt with other girls. But between my job, and college,
I hardly have time in person. So I still have gotten nowhere
in my love life. And all I've ever had is a misleading
messaging whatever kind of relationship if you can call
it that....and I’m still alone!!! Thus I’m on this
site, and still...getting nowhere... F*** my love life!